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Jennamaferg
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Name: Jennifer
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Metro: Chitown
Birthday: 8/2/1983
Gender: Female
Expertise: Title: Visual expert extraordinaire.
On the Pitch: Left Mid, Forward.
In the Office: 45 wpm.
At Top Speed: 100 yd dash=12 sec.
Poison: Mojito
Occupation: Artist
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/6/2005
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| i cannot write on here anymore. this was once a place where i could come and share without restraint, but that has changed now. to those of you who would like to continue following my thoughts, please contact me via email and i will give you my new blog address. | | |
| that's French for...well...you should know that one. horror.
yesterday's appointment with the obgyn was a fright. after recounting the events to my mother, she suggested we report this woman for CLIA. this is the second time i've been to see this doctor, and both times i have been uncomfortable.
the receptionists' counter was in disarray. i had to ask if there was a sign-in sheet, and they reluctantly got up to find it and let me sign in. the doctor showed up forty minutes late for my appointment without apology and proceeded to lead me into her office, not an examining room. there was an examining table right there in her office, on the other side of the room from her desk, which was cluttered with binders and folders and stacks of papers. i wondered how she could find anything under the mess. i was told to drop my shorts, with both the doctor and the receptionist still standing there in the room. i stood there until they realized i was waiting for them to leave, and they finally did so that i could undress. i sat on the table in her office, worried already about what had already been found in my lab results, and wondering what she was going to do.
the doctor came back in and went straight to work without explaining what she was about to do. the instruments had been lying next to the table on a tray...i saw no cleaning solutions, and it seemed that they had been sitting there for awhile. her jerky movements inside me were painful and tears were building in my eyes. i never knew what was coming or what kind of touch or pain to expect. she kept telling me to relax and 'spread my legs' but i was not able to do so with my anxious nerves. she kept saying, 'you're so quiet. what, are you scared?' i would nod, more tears building, but she kept digging around, telling me there was nothing to be afraid of. i won't go into detail about her discoveries, but she stated them so matter-of-factly and coldly, expecting me to understand what she was talking about. she assumed i knew about such things, when in fact i had no idea about any of it, and my escalating fears and confusion as she talked made the procedure even more awkward and uncomfortable.
i began to feel violated...i didn't trust her and didn't like her manner. it seemed like it would never end. being in such a vulnerable state, one does not want surprises, one does not want insensitivity. 'do you have a tampon with you?' i shook my head, confused. why would i need a tampon? should i have been told to bring one? i had no idea that this procedure would hurt (surprise number one), that i would bleed (surprise number two), or that i would have heavy cramping and discomfort for the rest of the day (surprise number three). all of these revelations happened later. i was left alone in the room in that frightening position as the doctor periodically left to do other things and took phone calls, tears streaming down my cheeks. after what felt like an eternity she removed all apparatus and i was allowed to put my clothes back on. i shook as i was doing so. it was hard to breathe and i was a bit dizzy, trying to choke back tears.
the doctor came back in and saw my face. 'what's wrong? why are you so quiet? are you depressed?' she asked in a business-like manner. i shook my head, unable to answer. 'have a seat.' i did, and winced immediately. i scooted to the end of the chair to keep the pressure off my throbbing organs.
'oh, by the way, i put a tampon in you to stop the bleeding. it should stop in a few days, let's hope.' ?????? i was so hurt by her attitude that i couldn't look her in the face. i stared at the paperwork. 'you are jennifer ferguson, no?' her indian accent came through thickly and she pointed at the file. i gave her a look of shock. hadn't she known who i was the whole time? i nodded again---i had no words at this point. she began to write down several lines of illegible instructions and notes, drawing messy, hurried diagrams as she explained very scientifically what she had found. there was no comfort, no further conversation on how these things were normal...no words on treatment or preventative measures...just a hard diagnosis. i was in despair.
'you know you will owe a $250 deductible, right?' i snapped out of my hopelessness with renewed shock. 'your insurance requires a deductible...' she went on and i felt myself slipping into wild panic. not only am i down to no money in my savings, and late on several bills...now i would be expected to pay this woman for this terrible experience?
she told me to schedule a third appointment in two weeks. i didn't want to. i don't want to see this woman ever again. i don't want her to touch me ever again. but to avoid questions i scheduled the appointment, paid my copay and practically ran to my car.
i cried so hard. everything hurt, i was frightened, and i didn't understand what i had been told. my imagination began to run wild with terrible possibilities. i called mom. her intial reaction mirrored my panic, which made the tears come harder and faster. it was hopeless. if mom was worried, then the world had come to an end. i felt dirty, diseased...ashamed. lost. ruined. who would want me, with this news? people would judge me. mom did her best to calm me down, reverse my downward spiral of thinking and promised she would find more information for me. i called charlie.
i didn't call him for comfort, i called him for help. i knew that he would know a good obgyn that i could trust. someone that might correct this scarring experience and ease my mind a little. he does know someone, and promised to call. then he asked if i was ok...and if i needed anything. i started crying again. it's easy to keep your head up until someone wraps their arms around you in some way...and then you lose all your nerve.
he drove to the stadium to meet me, so i wouldn't be alone. he brought me kleenex and a pair of sweet soccer socks for the game on sunday (something most women may not find so impressive but i was thrilled) and said he'd take me anywhere i wanted to go for dinner.
it was just what i needed. when i got sick earlier this spring, my mom dropped everything at 2 a.m. to come take care of me. i know now that charlie would do the same. sometimes you just don't want to be alone. you need someone walking beside you, on the phone with you, sitting next to you. and maybe they don't say much, but their presence is what's important.
we chatted over pasta and wine and i felt my heart lifting a little. my insides were still sore...but i was able to put it aside for a little while. charlie made me feel one hundred times better---he offered some more perspective on what had happened, and told me some of his own simliar horror stories, and offered me hope. turns out he had the same diagnosis at one point and so he knows exactly how i am feeling. he said his heart breaks to hear about doctors like this, and that he wanted to be different when dealing with his patients. it may be the 1,000th case for a medical professional, but it's the first time for me and it's scary and i don't want to be in the dark. it's shocking to me that some doctors seem to lack the 'care' gene. they're too robotic with their practices. these are people...people that don't know what you do about their bodies. they're scared, confused, and worried. shed some light. kindly. gently. patiently.
i think charlie will be a wonderful doctor. he is a good friend and i don't know what i would have done without him yesterday. i believe it's true that god brings people into your life in perfect timing, even if it's only for a little while. i may move to boston in a month, and never see charlie again. but i needed him yesterday, and he was there for me. and that means more that he'll ever know.
speaking of beantown...
i am setting up an interview with the bruins at some point today. i am taking a deep breath and leaving it with god. she always knows best. | | |
|  | Currently Watching
Hocus Pocus
By Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Najimy, Omri Katz, Thora Birch
see related |
that's French for 'news'. i think i'll just teach you all a word of french every post, if that's alright :)
:: beckham has come and gone, and our hunchback sent that grass fairy packing. i was proud of our staff; los angeles' operations staff said we were the best MLS city to host him thus far with the most professionalism we could muster. no autographs, pictures, or general 'freak out' sessions. i did get goosebumps when he came on the field, though. we are in the playoffs with that much-needed win over the galaxy. i, however, will be missing the match for lindsey's wedding in denver. bittersweet.
:: abnormalties at the doctor, so i'm back to the obgyn with a pang of fear in my chest about what may come.
:: scored a goal in my homecoming match---the only highlight of the weekend aside from 'plum's upper room' in zionsville with jess. it was just weird this time. i don't know that i will return next year. think i'll wait a few.
:: went to see the crucible with charlie, and ended up at the violet hour again talking until closing time. we were both enjoying conversation so much that we had forgotten the hour...i'm beginning to feel drawn to this person more and more. he's a wonderful listener, a good friend and has been supportive and encouraging of me in these difficult months that we've known each other. it's easy to talk to him and to laugh with him. i feel as though we could talk for hours and not run out of breath. he makes me feel treasured, and i always look forward to time with him. i am comfortable sharing things with him, trusting him immediately with some of my deepest, darkest heartache. he holds my heart so carefully and with such gentleness....
:: threw my first party. 'a wee bit of witchcraft'. smashing success, if i do say so myself. i made a mess of my apartment and spent all my money but it was worth it. pumpkin carving, cupcakes, hot cider, hocus pocus...and halloween martinis.
:: watched 'offside' with scott last night. an iranian film about women not being allowed into soccer stadiums to watch the match. it included actual footage from the 2005 iran vs bahrain match. it was an interesting movie---strange, but interesting.
:: chopped off my hair again. it's a good feeling.
:: well, back to work...short week, but busy, busy. | | |
| they say that sometimes your best writing comes from heartache.
i will look forward to this.
in the meantime, i am throwing a party for my girlfriends, going to the Violet Hour, playing soccer with increased fervor, planning my halloween costume, traveling home for homecoming, and going to see the Crucible. fall is here, and i will not sit by, wistful and woesome. i will welcome this season as i always have, and welcome whatever the wind blows to my doorstep.
'if i'm flying solo, at least i'm flying free.' - elphaba
'you shall not be seeing me again.' - eliza doolittle
'and then i walked.' - fanny brice
goodbye. | | |
| that's French for 'nightmare'
the kind of dreams i've been having lately make me afraid to go to sleep, and then i'm constantly waking up in the middle of the night...consequentially sluggish in the morning.
unlike most dreams, these remain fresh and vivid in my memory throughout the day, and even a few days later...i can still remember details from dreams two nights ago, and i want to be sick.
i dream of rejection, infidelity, and betrayal. i dream of twisted relationships and strange desires that are revolting when i am awake. men that walk through my world during the day become tyrannical, malicious and deceitful in my dreams. women, often close friends, resort to back-stabbing, denial, and ostracization.
in my dream a few nights ago, i was dating someone who suggested we take a trip abroad to see his extended family. we happily made plans, packing and deciding our backpacking route through europe. when we arrived overseas, however, he became cold and distant towards me and warm and friendly towards old friends (mostly female). the morning we were to depart, i found him in bed with one of these 'old friends'. i asked if he had ever loved me...he said he'd had a change of heart.
i made plans to return home, alone...and the dream twisted to reveal that this 'old friend' of his was actually one of my best girlfriends. she seemed to have no regard for our former friendship, and expected me to understand that their 'love' was an undeniable stroke of fate that must be understood and accepted, and that i should have no hard feelings, nor should i stand in the way of the inevitable. i watched them dote upon each other in my presence--watched her showered with attention from his family and friends. this knife in my heart took my breath away and woke me up in the middle of the night, shivering in disbelief.
last night i was so desperate for affirmation in my dream that i agreed to share a man with two other women. what a nightmare. one of the women eventually morphed into my sister...and the man became her current boyfriend. i was so lonely and misled that i actually continued this disgusting threesome, hating myself for my actions. when the third woman transformed into my current roommate, the plot became so sick and tangled that i forced myself to wake up, just as she was attempting to make love to me, assuming that i was bisexual.
a third set of dreams a few days ago involved my most recent boyfriend morphing into the young man i dated in college. i watched their faces changing back and forth and it wrenched my heart. my boyfriend in college, steve, is now engaged and i think this may have triggered some old heartache and mixed it with my most recent breakup. in any case, the message was still the same...no matter whose face the man wore. i watched this man in his betrothed happiness, and felt myself moving to the outside, to the shadow. i watched what could have been mine, and struggled with questions: did i leave? or was i left behind? either way the feeling of loss was as great as if someone close to me had died.
i have dozed in and out of these haunting visions in the early morning hours. i can sense myself crying outside of the dream...my lungs are tight and my eyes are burning. when i wake, there are tears in my eyes and my pillow is wet. i sometimes can't distinguish what has been real and what has been imagined. i shudder when i see these people at work, at home...i wait for some stray word to pass from their mouths that will affirm what i have seen in my sleep.
what seizes me most forcefully is the feeling that comes with the dreams---the feeling that will not go away even after i have opened my eyes. it's a hollowness. an emptiness. a loneliness. a black hole in my soul where these fears and hurts live, and they seem to be eating away at my happiness.
there is a lack of trust, and a lack of hope in me. to finally learn to hang up my running shoes, only to have the man that helped me untie the laces walk away. to watch the man i thought i would marry become engaged to someone else. to watch dear friends make poor decisions in their significant others, and stay in those unhealthy relationships. to see, on the flip side, my closest friends find their hearts' happiness, one after the other, while i still patiently tell myself that one day someone will feel so right in my life, too. to be courted by hopeful men who cannot see that I am not interested--who cannot possibly understand the deepest lakes and rivers in my soul.
i pray for peace, and healing. as a woman, as a lover, as a friend. | | |
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